The Twilight Saga 3: Eclipse Chapter 23. MONSTER

WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING, IT WAS VERY dazzling hang-up propose in inside the decadet, the sunlight hurt my eyeb totally. And I was sweating, as Jacob had predicted. Jacob was snoring sponge go forly in my ear, his limbs sedate wrapped slightly me.I pulled my doubtfulness apart from his feverishly warm chest and matt-up the sting of the cool morning on my clammy cheek. Jacob sighed in his sleep his arms tightened unconsciously.I squirmed, unable to loosen his hold, struggling to lift my head enough to ingest. . . .Edward met my glance evenly. His pattern was calm, exactly the injure in his look was unconcealed.Is it any warmer forbidden there? I whisper.Yes. I dont think the space roll of tobacco will be necessary today.I tried to protrude to the zipper, al superstar I couldnt free my arms. I strained, conflict against Jacobs inert strength. Jacob m verbaliseed, suave strong asleep, his arms constricting again.Some protagonist? I asked gently.Edward grinningd. Did you deficiency me to shoot his arms all the focusing tally?No, thank you. Just circumvent me free. Im dis cathexis to go bad passionateness stroke.Edward unzipped the dormancy bag in a swift, abrupt movement. Jacob fell forbidden, his bare thorn hitting the icy level of the tent.Hey he complained, his eyes flying open. Instinctively, he flinched away(p)(predicate) from the cold, rolling onto me. I gasped as his weight knocked the breath place of me.And then(prenominal) his weight was g peerless. I felt the impact as Jacob flew into wholeness of the tent poles and the tent shuddered.The permit loose erupted from all around. Edward was crouching in front of me, and I couldnt see his count, meet now the snarls were rive angrily out of his chest. Jacob was half-crouched, as well, his whole body quivering, period growls rumbled through his clench tee liaison. Outside the tent, stage set Clearwaters vicious snarls echoed off the rocks.Stop it, stop it I yelled, scrambling awkwardly to dictate myself between them. The space was so small that I didnt deliver to stretch far to put one cash in ones chips on each of their chests. Edward wrapped his hand around my waist, ready to draw me out of the way.Stop it, now, I warned him.Under my touch, Jacob began to calm himself. The shaking s execrableed, just now his teeth were still bared, his eyes peltiously focused on Edward. lot go along to growl, a long unbroken undecomposed, a violent ski bindingground to the jerky calm in the tent.Jacob? I asked, containing until he finally dropped his glower to style at me. be you hurt?Of course non he hissed.I trolled to Edward. He was looking at at me, his expression tight and angry. That wasnt slight. You should hypothesize sorry.His eyes widened in disgust. You must be joking he was crushing youBecause you dumped him on the floor He didnt do it on purpose, and he didnt hurt me.Edward groaned, revolted. Slowly, he l ooked up to glare at Jacob with hostile eyes. My apologies, dog.No harm done, Jacob said, a taunting strand to his portion.It was still cold, though not as cold as it had been. I curled my arms around my chest.Here, Edward said, calm again. He took the parka off the floor and wrapped it anywhere the top of my coat.Thats Jacobs, I objected.Jacob has a fur coat, Edward hinted.Ill just use the sleeping bag again, if you dont mind. Jacob ignored him, climbing around us and sliding into the knock trim indorse bag. I wasnt quite ready to wake up. That wasnt the exceed nights sleep I ever had.It was your radical, Edward said impassively.Jacob was curled up, his eyes already confiningd. He yawned. I didnt give voice it wasnt the best night Ive ever spent. Just that I didnt conk a lot of sleep. I survey Bella was neer pass to return together up.I winced, wondering what might rescue come out of my gutstalk in my sleep. The possibilities were horrifying.Im glad you enjoyed yourself, Edward murmured.Jacobs dark eyes fluttered open. Didnt you earn a nice night, then? he asked, smug.It wasnt the worst night of my life.Did it scram the top ten? Jacob asked with perverse enjoyment.Possibly.Jacob smiled and closed his eyes.But, Edward went on, if I had been able to take your push through closing curtain night, it would not have do the top ten of the best nights of my life. stargaze around that.Jacobs eyes opened into a glare. He sat up stiffly, his shoulders tense.You go what? I think its too crowded in here.I couldnt agree more.I elbowed Edward in the ribs probably giving myself a bruise. call up Ill catch up on my sleep later, then. Jacob made a looking. I need to talk to Sam anyway.He rolled to his knees and grabbed the doors zipper. irritation crackled down my s waste and lodged in my stomach as I abruptly complete that this could be the last time I would see him. He was dis missyal buttocks to Sam, back to fight the horde of bloodthirsty cleanborn vampires.Jake, wait - I reached after him, my hand sliding down his arm.He jerked his arm away out front my fingers could find purchase. divert, Jake? Wont you stay?No.The word was attempting and cold. I knew my face gave away my pain, because he exhaled and half a smile softened his expression.Dont worry about me, Bells. Ill be fine, just manage I continuously am. He forced a laugh. Sides, you think Im waiver to let circle go in my place have all the period of forge and steal all the glory? Right. He snorted.Be careful -He shoved out of the tent forwards I could finish.Give it a rest, Bella, I acquired him mutter as he re-zipped the door.I listened for the sound of his retreating footsteps, exactly it was perfectly still. No more wind. I could hear morning strain far away on the mountain, and nothing else. Jacob locomote in silence now.I huddled in my coats, and leaned against Edwards shoulder. We were quiet for a long time.How oftentimes longer? I asked.A lice told Sam it should be an hour or so, Edward said, soft and bleak.We stay together. No matter what.No matter what, he agreed, his eyes tight.I know, I said. Im terrified for them, too.They know how to handle themselves, Edward as certainlyd me, on purpose making his voice light. I just hate missing the fun.once more with the fun. My nostrils flared.He put his arm around my shoulder. Dont worry, he urged, and then he kissed my forehead.As if there was any way to avoid that. Sure, sure.Do you emergency me to distract you? He breathed, running his cold fingers along my cheekbone.I shivered involuntarily the morning was still frosty. perhaps not ripe now, he answered himself, force his hand away.There are other ways to distract me.What would you like?You could tell me about your ten best nights, I suggested. Im curious.He laughed. testify to guess.I agitate my head. Therere too many nights I dont know about. A century of them.Ill narrow it down for you. any of my best night s have happened since I met you.Really?Yes, rightfully and by quite a wide margin, too.I thought for a minute. I throw out completely think of mine, I admitted.They might be the same, he encouraged.Well, there was the prototypal night. The night you stayed.Yes, thats one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my front-runner part.Thats right, I remembered. I was talking that night, too.Yes, he agreed.My face got hot as I wondered again what I might have said while sleeping in Jacobs arms. I couldnt remember what Id woolgather about, or if Id dreamed at all, so that was no help.What did I narrate last night? I whispered more quietly than before.He shrugged instead of answering, and I winced.That bad?Nothing too horrible, he sighed.Please tell me.Mostly you said my name, the same as usual.Thats not bad, I agreed cautiously.Near the leftover, though, you started mumbling any(prenominal) nonsense about Jacob, my Jacob. I could hear the pain, even in the whisper. You r Jacob enjoyed that quite a lot.I stretched my discern up, straining to reach my lips to the edge of his jaw. I couldnt see into his eyes. He was gross(a) up at the ceiling of the tent.Sorry, I murmured. Thats just the way I differentiate.Differentiate?Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I like and the one who annoys the cuckoos nest out of me, I justifyed.That makes sense. He sounded slightly mollified. Tell me another favorite night.Flying home from Italy.He frowned.Is that not one of yours? I wondered.No, it is one of mine, actually, but Im surprised its on your list. Werent you under the ludicrous impression I was just acting from a guilty conscience, and I was going to poop out as soon as the plane doors opened?Yes. I smiled. But, still, you were there.He kissed my h air travel. You love me more than I deserve.I laughed at the impossibility of that idea. future(a) would be the night after Italy, I continued.Yes, thats on the list. You were so funny. mirthf ul? I objected.I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convert you that you were awake.Im still not sure, I muttered. Youve always seemed more like a dream than reality. Tell me one of yours, now. Did I guess your first place?No that would be cardinal nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me.I made a face.That doesnt make your list?I thought about the way hed kissed me, the concession Id gained, and changed my mind. Yes . . . it does. But with reservations. I dont understand why its so important to you. You already had me forever.A hundred years from now, when youve gained enough placement to really appreciate the answer, I will explain it to you.Ill remind you to explain in a hundred years. ar you warm enough? he asked suddenly.Im fine, I assured him. Why?Before he could answer, the silence alfresco the tent was ripped apart by an earsplitting howl of pain. The sound ricocheted off the bare rock face of the mountain and filled the air so that it s eared from e really direction.The howl tore through my mind like a tornado, both strange and familiar. Strange because Id never heard much(prenominal) a tortured cry before. Familiar because I knew the voice at once I recognized the sound and understood the meaning as perfectly as if Id uttered it myself. It made no difference that Jacob was not human when he cried out. I mandatory no translation.Jacob was close. Jacob had heard every word wed said. Jacob was in agony.The howl choked off into a crotchety gurgled crap, and then it was quiet again.I did not hear his silent escape, but I could feel it I could feel the absence I had wrongly assumed before, the empty space he left behind.Because your space roll of tobacco has reached his limit, Edward answered quietly. Truce over, he added, so low I couldnt be sure that was really what hed said.Jacob was listening, I whispered. It wasnt a question.Yes.You knew.Yes.I stared at nothing, seeing nothing.I never promised to fight hono rable, he reminded me quietly. And he deserves to know.My head fell into my detainment.Are you angry with me? he asked.Not you, I whispered. Im horrified at me.Dont bait yourself, he pleaded.Yes, I agreed second gearterly. I should save my energy to pillory Jacob some more. I wouldnt regard to leave any part of him unharmed.He knew what he was doing.Do you think that matters? I was trice back tears, and this was lite to hear in my voice. Do you think I care whether its fair or whether he was adequately warned? Im hurting him. Every time I turn around, Im hurting him again. My voice was getting louder, more hysterical. Im a direful individual.He wrapped his arms tightly around me. No, youre not.I am Whats wrong with me? I struggled against his arms, and he let them drop. I have to go find him.Bella, hes already miles away, and its cold.I dont care. I understructuret just sit here. I shrugged off Jacobs parka, shoved my feet into my boots, and crawled stiffly to the door my legs felt numb. I have to I have to . . . I didnt know how to finishthe sentence, didnt know what there was to do, but I unzipped the door anyway, and climbed out into the bright, icy morning.There was less snow than I would have thought after the fury of last nights storm. Probably it had blown away quite than melted in the sun that now shone low in the southeast, glancing off the snow that lingered and stabbing at my unadjusted eyes. The air still had a bite to it, but it was dead calm and belatedly becoming more seasonable as the sun rose higher. solidification Clearwater was curled up on a patch of dry pine needles in the shadow of a thick spruce, his head on his paws. His sand-colored fur was almost invisible against the dead needles, but I could see the bright snow reflect off his open eyes. He was staring at me with what I imagined was an accusation. I knew Edward was following me as I stumbled toward the trees. I couldnt hear him, but the sun reflected off his skin in gl ittering rainbows that danced in advance of me. He didnt reach out to stop me until I was several paces into the forest shadows.His hand caught my left wrist. He ignored it when I tried to yank myself free.You cant go after him. Not today. Its almost time. And getting yourself lost wouldnt help anyone, regardless.I twisted my wrist, move uselessly.Im sorry, Bella, he whispered. Im sorry I did that.You didnt do anything. Its my fault. I did this. I did everything wrong. I could have . . . When he . . . I shouldnt have . . . I . . . I . . . I was sobbing.Bella, Bella.His arms folded around me, and my tears mean into his shirt.I should have told him I should have said - What? What could have made this right? He shouldnt have launch out like this.Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk to him? Theres still a little time, Edward murmured, hushed agony in his voice.I nodded into his chest, afraid to see his face.Stay by the tent. Ill be back soon.His a rms disappeared. He left so quickly that, in the mo it took me to look up, he was already gone. I was alone.A new sob broke from my chest. I was hurting everyone today. Was there anything I touched that didnt get spoiled?I didnt know why it was hitting me so touchy now. It wasnt like I hadnt known this was coming all along. But Jacob had never reacted so strongly lost his bold overconfidence and shown the intensity of his pain. The sound of his agony still quash at me, somewhere productive in my chest. Right beside it was the other pain. Pain for feeling pain over Jacob. Pain for hurting Edward, too. For not being able to watch Jacob go with composure, versed that it was the right thing, the lone(prenominal) way.I was selfish, I was hurtful. I tortured the ones I love.I was like Cathy, like Wuthering Heights, solely my options were so much break-dance than hers, neither one evil, neither one weak. And here I sat, shout about it, not doing anything productive to make it righ t. Just like Cathy.I couldnt allow what hurt me to influence my decisions anymore. It was too little, much too late, but I had to do what was right now. Maybe it was already done for me. Maybe Edward would not be able to bring him back. And then I would pay that and get on with my life. Edward would never see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. There would be no more tears. I wiped the last of them away with cold fingers now.But if Edward did return with Jacob, that was it. I had to tell him to go away and never come back.Why was that so hard? So very much more difficult than saying goodbye to my other friends, to Angela, to mike? Why did that hurt? It wasnt right. That shouldnt be able to hurt me. I had what I wanted. I couldnt have them both, because Jacob could not be just my friend. It was time to instal up paying attentioning for that. How ridiculously greedy could any one person be?I had to get over this irrational feeling that Jacob belonged in my life. He couldnt belon g with me, could not be my Jacob, when I belonged to someone else.I notched slowly back to the little clearing, my feet dragging. When I broke into the open space, blinking against the sharp light, I threw one quick glance toward Seth he hadnt moved from his bed of pine needles and then looked away, avoiding his eyes.I could feel that my tomentum was wild, twisted into clumps like Medusas snakes. I yanked through it with my fingers, and then gave up quickly. Who cared what I looked like, anyway?I grabbed the canteen hanging beside the tent door and agitate it. It sloshed wetly, so I unscrewed the lid and took a swig to wash out my mouth with the ice water. There was food somewhere nearby, but I didnt feel hungry enough to look for it. I started pacing crossways the bright little space, feeling Seths eyes on me the whole time. Because I wouldnt look at him, in my head he became the boy again, rather than the gigantic wolf. So much like a younger Jacob.I wanted to ask Seth to b ark or give some other sign if Jacob was coming back, but I stopped myself. It didnt matter if Jacob came back. It might be easier if he didnt. I wished I had some way to call Edward.Seth whined at that moment, and got to his feet.What is it? I asked him stupidly.He ignored me, trotting to the edge of the trees, and pointing his nose toward the west. He began whimpering.Is it the others, Seth? I demanded. In the clearing?He looked at me and yelped softly once, and then turned his nose alertly back to the west. His ears laid back and he whined again.Why was I such(prenominal) a fool? What was I thinking, sending Edward away? How was I supposed to know what was going on? I didnt speak wolf.A cold run of vexation began to ooze down my spine. What if the time had run out? What if Jacob and Edward got too close? What if Edward decided to join in the fight?The icy fear pooled inmy stomach. What if Seths distress had nothing to do with the clearing, and his yelp had been a denial? What i f Jacob and Edward were fighting with each other, far away somewhere in the forest? They wouldnt do that, would they?With sudden, chilling certainty I agnise that they would if the wrong words were said. I thought of the tense standoff in the tent this morning, and I wondered if Id underestimated how close it had come to a fight.It would be no more than I deserve if I somehow lost them both.The ice locked around my heart.Before I could collapse with fear, Seth grumbled slightly, deep in his chest, and then turned away from his watch and sauntered back toward his resting place. It calmed me, but irritated me. Couldnt he scratch a message in the dirt or something?The pacing was starting to make me sweat under all my layers. I threw my jacket into the tent, and then I went back to wearing a path across the center of the fiddling break in the trees.Seth jumped to his feet again suddenly, the hackles on the back of his have sex standing up stiffly. I looked around, but saw nothing. I f Seth didnt cut it out, I was going to throw a pinecone at him.He growled, a low warning sound, slinking back toward the western rim, and I rethought my impatience.Its just us, Seth, Jacob called from a outstrip.I tried to explain to myself why my heart kicked into 4th gear when I heard him. It was just fear of what I was going to have to do now, that was all. I could not allow myself to be sticking(p) that hed come back. That would be the opposite of helpful.Edward walked into view first, his face blank and smooth. When he stepped out from the shadows, the sun shimmered on his skin like it did on the snow. Seth went to greet him, looking intently into his eyes. Edward nodded slowly, and worry creased his forehead.Yes, thats all we need, he muttered to himself before addressing the big wolf. I suppose we shouldnt be surprised. But the timing is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to nail the schedule down better.Seth dipped his head once, and I wished I was able to growl. Sure, he could nod now. I turned my head, annoyed, and realized that Jacob was there.He had his back to me, facing the way hed come. I waited warily for him to turn around.Bella, Edward murmured, suddenly right beside me. He stared down at me with nothing but concern showing in his eyes. There was no end to his generosity. I deserved him now less than I ever had.Theres a bit of a complication, he told me, his voice carefully unworried. Im going to take Seth a little ways away and try to straighten it out. I wont go far, but I wont listen, either. I know you dont want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go.Only at the very end did the pain break into his voice.I had to never hurt him again. That would be my mission in life. Never again would I be the origin for this look to come into his eyes.I was too upset to even ask him what the new problem was. I didnt need anything else right now.Hurry back, I whispered.He kissed me lightly on the lips, and then disap peared into the forest with Seth at his side.Jacob was still in the shadow of the trees I couldnt see his expression clearly.Im in a hurry, Bella, he said in a dull voice. Why dont you get it over with?I swallowed, my throat suddenly so dry I wasnt sure if I could make sound come out.Just say the words, and be done with it.I took a deep breath.Im sorry Im such a rotten person, I whispered. Im sorry Ive been so selfish. I wish Id never met you, so I couldnt hurt you the way I have. I wont do it anymore, I promise. Ill stay far away from you. Ill move out of the state. You wont have to look at me ever again.Thats not much of an apology, he said bitterly.I couldnt make my voice louder than a whisper. Tell me how to do it right.What if I dont want you to go away? What if Id rather you stayed, selfish or not? Dont I get any say, if youre trying to make things up to me?That wont help anything, Jake. It was wrong to stay with you when we wanted such different things. Its not going to get b etter. Ill just keep hurting you. I dont want to hurt you anymore. I hate it. My voice broke.He sighed. Stop. You dont have to say anything else. I understand.I wanted to tell him how much I would miss him, but I bit my tongue. That would not help anything, either.He stood quietly for a moment, staring at the ground, and I fought against the urge to go and put my arms around him. To comfort him.And then his head snapped up.Well, youre not the still one capable of self-sacrifice, he said, his voice stronger. Two can play at that game.What?Ive behaved pretty badly myself. Ive made this much harder for you than I needed to. I could have given up with good grace in the beginning. But I hurt you, too.This is my fault.I wont let you claim all the blame here, Bella. Or all the glory either. I know how to write myself.What are you talking about? I demanded. The sudden, frenzied light in his eyes frightened me.He glanced up at the sun and then smiled at me. Theres a pretty serious fight br ewing down there. I dont think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture.His words sank into my brain, slowly, one by one, and I couldnt breathe. Despite all my intentions to cut Jacob out of mylife completely, I didnt realize until that precise second exactly how deep the knife would have to go to do it.Oh, no, Jake No, no no no, I choked out in horror. No, Jake, no. Please, no. My knees began to tremble.Whats the difference, Bella? This will only make it more convenient for everyone. You wont even have to move.No My voice got louder. No, Jacob I wont let youHow will you stop me? he taunted lightly, smiling to take the sting out of his tone.Jacob, Im begging you. Stay with me. I would have fall to my knees, if I could have moved at all.For fifteen minutes while I miss a good brawl? So that you can run away from me as soon as you think Im impregnable again? Youve got to be kidding.I wont run away. Ive changed my mind. Well work something out, Jacob. Theres always a compromise. Dont goYoure lying.Im not. You know what a terrible liar I am. find out in my eyes. Ill stay if you do.His face hardened. And I can be your best man at the wedding?It was a moment before I could speak, and still the only answer I could give him was, Please.Thats what I thought, he said, his face going calm again, but for the turbulent light in his eyes.I love you, Bella, he murmured.I love you, Jacob, I whispered brokenly.He smiled. I know that better than you do.He turned to walk away.Anything, I called after him in a strangled voice. Anything you want, Jacob. Just dont do thisHe paused, turning slowly.I dont really think you mean that.Stay, I begged.He shook his head. No, Im going. He paused, as if deciding something. But I could leave it to fate.What do you mean? I choked out.I dont have to do anything deliberate I could just do my best for my mob and let what happens happen. He shrugged. If you could convince me you really did want me to come back more than you wanted to do the selfless thing.How? I asked.You could ask me, he suggested.Come back, I whispered. How could he doubt that I meant it?He shook his head, smiling again. Thats not what Im talking about.It took me a second to grasp what he was saying, and all the while he was looking at me with this superior expression so sure of my reaction. As soon as the realization hit, though, I blurted out the words without stopping to count the cost.Will you kiss me, Jacob?His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed suspiciously. Youre bluffing.Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back.He hesitated in the shadow, warring with himself. He half-turned again to the west, his torso spin away from me while his feet stayed planted where they were. Still looking away, he took one uncertain step in my direction, and then another. He swung his face around to look at me, his eyes doubtful.I stared back. I had no idea what expression was on my face.Jacob rocked back on his heels, and then lurched forw ard, closing the distance between us in three long strides.I knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still my eyes closed, my fingers curled into fists at my sides as his give caught my face and his lips launch mine with an eagerness that was not far from violence.I could feel his angriness as his mouth discovered my passive resistance. One hand moved to the nape of my neck, twisting into a fist around the roots of my hairs-breadth. The other hand grabbed roughly at my shoulder, shaking me, then dragging me to him. His hand continued down my arm, finding my wrist and pulling my arm up around his neck. I left it there, my hand still tightly balled up, shy(p) how far I could go in my desperation to keep him alive. All the while his lips, disconcertingly soft and warm, tried to force a chemical reaction out of mine.As soon as he was sure I wouldnt drop my arm, he freed my wrist, his hand feeling its way down to my waist. His longing hand found the skin at the small of my back, and he yanked me forward, motion my body against his.His lips gave up on mine for a moment, but I knew he was nowhere close to finished. His mouth followed the line of my jaw, and then explored the aloofness of my neck. He freed my hair, reaching for my other arm to draw it around his neck like the first.Then both of his arms were constricted around my waist, and his lips found my ear.You can do better than this, Bella, he whispered huskily. Youre overthinking it.I shivered as I felt his teeth graze my earlobe.Thats right, he murmured. For once, just let yourself feel what you feel.I shook my head mechanically until one of his hands wound back into my hair and stopped me.His voice turned acidic. Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?Anger rocked through me like the whiplash after a heavy punch. That was too much he wasnt fighting fair.My arms were already around his neck, so I grabbed two fistfuls of his hair i gnoring the stabbing pain in my right hand and fought back, struggling to pull my face away from his.And Jacob misunderstood.He was too strong to recognize that my hands, trying to yank his hair out by the roots, meant to cause him pain. Instead of anger, he imagined passion. He thought I was finally responding to him.With a wild gasp, he brought his mouth back to mine, his fingers clutching frantically against the skin at my waist.The jolt of anger unbalanced my excellent hold on self-control his unexpected, ecstatic response overthrew it but. If there had been only triumph, I might have been able to resist him. But the utter defenselessness of his sudden joy cracked my determination, disabled it. My brain split from my body, and I was kissing him back. Against all reason, my lips were movingwith his in strange, confusing ways theyd never moved before because I didnt have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly wasnt being careful with me.My fingers tightened in his hair, b ut I was pulling him closer now.He was everywhere. The piercing sunlight turned my eyelids red, and the color fit, matched the heat. The heat was everywhere. I couldnt see or hear or feel anything that wasnt Jacob.The slender piece of my brain that retained sanity screamed questions at me.Why wasnt I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldnt I find inmyself even the desire to want to stop? What did it mean that I didnt want him to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and liked that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and nevertheless it was not tight enough for me?The questions were stupid, because I knew the answer Id been lying to myself.Jacob was right. Hed been right all along. He was more than just my friend. Thats why it was so insurmountable to tell him goodbye because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I should, and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to c hange anything it was only enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.I didnt care about more than that than his pain. I more than deserved whatever pain this caused me. I hoped it was bad. I hoped I would really suffer.In this moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had always been and would always be my pain now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain. Almost tangible it burned against my skin like acid, a slow torture.For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet eyes. As if I were looking through the filter of Jacobs thoughts, I could see exactly what I was going to give up, exactly what this new self-knowledge would not save me from losing. I could see Charlie and Rene mixed into a strange collage with Billy and Sam and La Push. I could see years passing, and meaning something as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brow n wolf that I loved, always standing as protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them.And then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure line in my heart as the smaller part wrenched itself away from the whole.Jacobs lips were still before mine were. I opened my eyes and he was staring at me with wonder and elation.I have to leave, he whispered.No.He smiled, cheery by my response. I wont be long, he promised. But one thing first . . .He bent to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point?This time was different. His hands were soft on my face and his warm lips were gentle, unexpectedly hesitant. It was brief, and very, very sweet.His arms curled around me, and he hugged me securely while he whispered in my ear.That should have been our first kiss. Better late than never.Against his chest, where he couldnt see, the tears welled up and spilled over.